I often see the same questions coming up again and again when it comes to saving a marriage or stopping a divorce / separation.
If you are here, you are probably trying to save your marriage but you have no idea how to get started. Most probably, you have the same questions too and you are looking for answers online.
Therefore, I have created this page to answer 15 most commonly asked questions about saving your marriage and also to provide you with some tips that you can apply to your situation.
There are 15 videos below, recorded by Dr Lee Baucom, the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert.
He is a professional marriage counselor who has helped thousands of couples save their marriage so chances are, he may be able to help you too.
I strongly encouraged you to watch all the 15 videos below. It will probably take around 1 hour of your time but I believed that will be the best 1 hour you have ever spent if you are really serious about saving your marriage.
You may also want to Bookmark This Page (Ctrl + D) if you are busy right now so that you can come back to watch the videos at any time.
If you can’t watch the video due to technical reason, I have also provided the transcript of each video below. I hope it will be helpful.
I am glad that you came here to this blog. I sincerely hope that you will be able to save your marriage and have the happy relationship that you and your spouse will treasure. Best wishes!
1) Why Do Marriages Fail So Often? Reasons Why Marriages Are Falling Apart
If you can’t watch the video above, you can read the transcript of the video below.
Welcome to this video series about how to save your marriage.
This one is ‘why do marriages fail’.
My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert and I am here just to chat with you and help you get started on saving your marriage and the big question that we all start with is ‘What Ends a Marriage?’
Why do marriages end and we look at that today and I am going to tell you what I think is the real reason. There are lots of myths on why marriages fail and we got to get past those myths if we are going to get to the real reasons.
First myth is that ‘we grew apart’ and I don’t know how many times I have heard people say to me, ‘we just grew apart’, ‘we fell out of love’ or some other such responses. These are all rationalization that we tell ourselves while we ended up in a divorce.
We grew apart. We fell out of love. Those are symptoms of what’s underneath it all. What really cause a destruction of a marriage, we are going to look at why marriages really fall apart, not this rationalization that we use, and the rationalization of affairs and midlife crisis.
Now understand, there are lots of marriages that end because somebody has an affair or somebody has a midlife crisis but I got to tell you, an affair is a symptom of an underlying issue. Midlife crisis are symptoms of underlying issue.
We haven’t gotten to somewhere where we need to get to. We haven’t done something we need to get to and to protect our marriage from affair, and to protect their own psychology from midlife crisis.
Finally, another rationalization. ‘We fought too much. Just too much conflict, we have to get out that conflict.’ I hear that so often. Fighting too much is a symptom of the underlying issue. Not the reality.
The real reasons that marriages just fail. Let’s talk about that.
Neglect of The Relationships
You just take it for granted that we get married and we assume the other person is going to be there regardless of what happens and we basically fall into bad patterns and been neglecting the relationship is because we don’t set it as a priority.
So one of the real reasons behind this neglect is how we prioritize our life. We take care of the relationship that are important to us.
Also choice fall into this. We always choose to get a divorce. Understand that always, ending a marriage is a choice that we have made. One or the other has made. Unfortunately, this country a lot of times, is one person making that choice for both people.
But the reality is that we choose to no longer be married. And we refuse to forget and move ahead. That is part of what we keep wanting to find somehow get some resolution from the other person. We basically want them to bend over backwards to change. We has somebody that we want. Basically, it is a refusal to move ahead and that get us stuck in that pattern.
Which bring us to the final and the real root reason.
We Misunderstand Marriage
We do not understand what we are getting into and when we don’t understand what we are getting into, we don’t know how to move forward.
This basic misunderstanding of marriage is not understanding what happen psychologically. What happen in reality of us coming together and becoming a unit and that is so threatening to people that we don’t know how to do that in our culture. And so the misunderstanding of marriage is the root cause of why marriages just end.
You keep with me and I am going to tell you how to understand marriage so that you can understand how to have a successful marriage.
Now, the thing about all of those issues that we have just come up with. They are all fixable. All those situations can be fixed. Everything that we talked about in this video is all fixable.
The problems can be solved and the crisis can be fixed. I want you to find out how to do it. So I want you to keep watching these videos.
You might want to go and grab my free email course at my website Save The Marriage if you want to learn more about saving your marriage.
2) Is It Possible to Save My Marriage? Can A Marriage Really Be Saved?
Today’s video answer the question, ‘Can I saved my marriage?’
My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. Our last video is about what causes a marriage to fail.
Now, we are going to take the next step.
Can I save my marriage? This is when it can become personal and it is about what you might be able to do.
Now, I want you to know that this is a very tough question and let me tell you why it is a tough question.
You have no control over your spouse and his or her decisions.
This is not like anything else. It is not like well I decide to get into shape and so it is on you and your behavior to exercise or do whatever it takes to get there or if you decide to somehow change other bad habits or something like that. You have some control over that but in this case you do not.
Your spouse has control over his or her own decision and will decide whether it is going to proceed to a divorce. You can however choose who you will be and how you will act and I can tell you that that may save your marriage.
So first of all, I am going to make an important disclaimer.
That disclaimer is that. Abuse in my mind is a show stopper. I say this briefly before and let me be more clear about it. In my mind, an abuse of relationship is not one that you should work on saving.
Now, when I say abuse, I mean emotional and/or physical abuse. And you are the only one who can determine what that is about.
And if at some point in the past, say years ago or sometime even recently, you think that it is beyond you know there is a shaft or something like that, or some accidental action, that may be a little bit different. I am talking about when people know they are in an abusive relationship. In fact, I often have people write me and they tell me all about their relationship and they are not sure if it is abusive.
But I recognized that they know it is abusive. They just don’t want to admit it. So you are going to be the judge of whether you are in a physical or emotional abusive relationship. And the reason I say this is the one that cannot be saved or should not be saved is because the risk is too high.
What we know, historically speaking is abuse escalate. It does not get better and abuse can be deadly.
So if you are in an abusive relationship, you need to stop watching this video and you need to figure out how to take care of yourself and especially if you have kids, how to take care of the family and get yourself out of the dangerous situation.
That said, and I am assuming anyone who is continuing to watch is not in an abusive relationship.
Many marriages can be saved. I say that because I have been a part of saving marriages after marriages. Thousands of marriages. Tens of thousands of marriages. I have a chance to impact them .
Many marriages that many other people thought are hopeless or cannot be saved can be saved!
Few people want a divorce. So we should start with that.
Because few people want a divorce, divorce usually comes after a lot of soul searching, a lot of difficult thinking and it is just something that people want to avoid. However, they end up down that path because most just don’t want to hurt anymore.
They are tired of being in pain. They are tired of having conflict. They are tired of all these things that are painful in a relationship and they just want to find some relief. And they see no hope.
And once you see no hope, it is a tough place to be. More than that, few even know what to do. And that is why you are here and you should be congratulated for the fact that you are looking for someway of saving your marriage. You are doing something that few people do.
A lot of people say oh I have worked on my relationship and I have worked on my marriage and they do not even know how to go about doing that until they never even get started.
The thing is you won’t know until you try.
You won’t know if you can save that relationship until you try. They think that it is impossible to save but if you spend that few moment and spend that thought saying, ‘What is it going to hurt if I give it a try to save this marriage?’
Because there really are three options:
1) You can do nothing.
If you do nothing about your relationship, you know where it is headed. It is headed for trouble. It is probably headed for divorce.
2) Quit and Leave
Or you can just quit now and leave.
3) Try and Fix It
The third option though is not just leave it but to try and fix it, to find someway of having a relationship that you will treasure and love.
Now the real question is, ‘Am I willing to try?’
That is the one you are going to answer for yourself.
‘Am I even willing to try?’ It is not ‘Can it be saved?’ That is not a helpful question.
‘Am I willing to try to save it?’ That is a very important question.
Because the worst that happen is that the relationship ends.
You are already facing that now.
The worst that happen is what happen if nothings happen.
You are already there and I say that because if we can face our worst fear, it gives us a chance to decide that the worst that can happen is not that big of a deal compared to what the upside is.
The worst that can happen is that the relationship ends and that is going to happen anyway, so you have nothing to lose. It is already headed there and you might as well give it a try.
The best that happens is that you create the relationship that you want.
So you got to ask yourself a question. ‘Am I willing to put the possibility of a little bit of pain into this in order to get something that may be treasured by the both of us and something that we will be thankful for after we get through this?’
The big thing is if you try to save your marriage and it doesn’t work, you would know that you have done everything that you could and you can look at yourself in the mirror and say I did everything I could and there was nothing more that could be done and I will tell you that having watched couples after couples, this is not a small thing. To be able to look into the mirror and say to yourself I did what I could is such a crucial thing regardless of what happen.
So I would suggest that the real question you should be asking is, ‘Am I willing to take that risk? Am I willing to even give it a try?’
And if you are, I want you to learn more about saving a marriage now by going to Save The Marriage and you are going to find the possibility there for you to learn everything you need to know about saving a marriage.
You can continue watch this videos. You can also get a free ecourse at Save The Marriage. It is free, there is no obligation and you are going to get more information about how to save your marriage.
3) Should I Stop Divorce? Why Should I Save My Marriage?
We continue with how you can save your marriage and the question today is ‘Why should i save my marriage?’
We have already answered the question of why marriages fail and whether a marriage can be save and the question now becomes ‘Why should you save a marriage?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert.
You ought to know that this is a very good question and it is very important to answer because if you don’t have this in your mind, it is tough to follow through on what you need to do in order to save your marriage.
Now marriages usually don’t happen so one of the reason why I say that you should save your marriage is because divorces just don’t actually happen. Now I am going to talk about that in a minute.
Also number two, children are harmed by divorces.
Number three, financially, it is a crippling situation to go through a divorce.
Finally, it is emotionally very painful to go through a divorce.
Now let’s look at each of those one at a time.
First of all, what I say is divorces don’t really happen. And this is what I mean.
Divorces don’t happen because many couples only change their relationship, the state of their ex relationship. They don’t end it. Emotionally, they continue the same struggle they have all the way through and sexually, sometimes, couples find themselves back to kind of a safe point so and once again they stay married even if legally, they have divorced. That’s why I mean the relationship doesn’t really change and the divorce doesn’t really happen.
Now let’s face it. With children involved, you are in a relationship for life whether you like it or not, you are going to get along with each other. You are going to have to relate to each other because there are going to be different ways even if it is about parenting that child that you are going to have to communicate and later on, it is about being together on various points or losing out on being together on those various points.
So in lots of ways, divorce just don’t really happen for lots of couples.
Also children are harmed by divorce. There is no way around this. Studies showing otherwise have been disproven. We now know that children are harmed by divorce. As Michael Reagan said, ‘Divorces is where two adults take everything that matters to a child, the child home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected and smash it all up, leaving the ruins on the floor and then walk out and then leave the child to clean up the mess.’
This is the reality of what happen when children are involved in divorce. They are harmed.
Also it is financially crippling. Here are some statistic. First of all, the average final cost of divorce in the US, the average final cost in the US is 20 to 30 thousand dollars. That is not based on the fact that well maybe their attorney said well they need a $3000 retainer. Trust me when I tell you that this is a beginning point. In a divorce, the only people who come up well financially are the attorneys. This is a hugh net loss now and ongoing.
Think about taking everything that you are worth and accumulated in your marriage and divide it into half right off the bat. You are half worth what you are right before the divorce. And it is ongoing. It doesn’t change because you have to rebuild.
Not only that, there is a huge impact on retirement and other issues down the road that we don’t really think about because we are so busy trying to get out of the marriage and unfortunately, this is not something that is talked about very well by say divorce attorneys because their job is to make money by helping people get divorced, not keeping them together.
It is also emotionally painful. The process of coming together is mirrored by the process of coming apart. What it is like to come together and all that love and all that flow of good feeling, put that in reverse.
Whatever put you together is going to feel the same in reverse. As high as it was, it is going to be that low and coming apart just because that is the nature of this psychologically trying to separate from the other person because in reality, it is taking an entity, the entity of the marriage and tearing it in two. And when you tear something in two, it is going to be painful.
Now, merely not divorcing is not a solution. You may get to this point and you say okay, well we just kind of stay together and make do and just give up on the marriage but we just don’t get divorce. That’s not a solution because long term resentment builds and destroys.
The longer you are with someone you don’t want to be with, the more that resentment begins to grow and grow tearing away whatever is left in the relationship and more than that destroying your health and probably your spouse’s health at the same time.
It is just the nature of resentment. Our bodies are not designed to be stuck in resentment mode for very long without doing some real long term damage.
Also, your overall pleasure in life is reduced if you choose this. You may try to live a separate life but I can tell you from watching couples do this, it just doesn’t work. In the end, you end up paying a very high cost for trying to stay together without divorcing and without fixing things.
After that, hopelessness and futility settle in and once that happens, you can imagine how much tragedy it is trying to continue on for your life. You just don’t feel like there is any other choice.
Now, there are solutions. You can save your marriage and if you want to learn more about saving your marriage and you want to subscribe to my free email ecourse, that is an addition to these videos, to give you information that is not in these videos. These videos give you information that in not in the ecourse.
So you want to grab both. You want to go to Save The Marriage
4) Can I Save My Marriage Alone On My Own? What If My Spouse Doesn’t Want to Save Our Marriage?
So what if your spouse doesn’t want to save the marriage with you and what do you do about that. That is the content for this video. My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert and we want to tackle that question today.
What do you do if your spouse doesn’t want to save your marriage? Now let’s face it, a marriage is much easier to save if both of you want to. Just make sense if both of you want it, it is almost impossible not to save it.
I have had people who come in and say ‘Can my marriage be saved?’ and I say you know if you both want to work on it, there is no way I can you know bad therapist could save your marriage and if both of you don’t want to work on it, then a good therapist could not do anything about it either.
So if both of you want it, then it is impossible not to save it. But my guess is then you wouldn’t be watching this video. And that is rarely the case with people that come talk with me.
Usually one is more interested than the other is in saving their marriage. And sometimes, only one is interested at all. The other is completely disinterested.
But first of all, let’s just say that it is not impossible to save a marriage. It is just because only one person want to save it. Many times, only one wants to and the marriage is saved.
To be honest, at some point, the reluctant one has to join the process. It only makes sense. At the beginning, it doesn’t matter if both are not wanting to save it but at some point, that other person is going to have to join the process. It is just part of the deal of a marriage. That doesn’t necessary has to be right now.
Having both people in it at the same time does not have to be true in the beginning in spite of what other people have said. You can save a marriage even if only you want to. If you want to save your marriage, I say give it a try. Even if you are alone in doing it.
Because it is important to you, then you should honor your convictions to try to save that marriage and don’t allow yourself to be discouraged if things aren’t going the way you want them to be.
That is just part of the issue of this and you have to be able to stay and keep your head in the game and not get too discouraged by all.
So let’s talk about some things you don’t want to do if you are trying to save your marriage by yourself.
First of all, don’t pressure, cajole, shame, force or manipulate your spouse into trying to save the marriage. That’s not going to work. They may finally going to act like they are doing something but it is only to get you off their back.
They should be no pressure applied if they say, ‘You know, I don’t want to work on this’. In fact, when you apply pressure, you only add to the resistance to somebody feels and trying to keep from saving the marriage. So don’t pressure. Don’t shame them. Don’t force. Don’t cajole. Don’t mainpulate. Let them be.
Don’t try to drag them into therapy if they are not willing to go, or try to get them to read books, listen to tapes, etc. I heard enough about people who have had the books thrown in their face, the tapes thrown in their face, to know that is only putting up brickwalls and it is pretty difficult to get down.
And finally don’t try to ‘read the tea leaves’. What I mean about that is when we are in a crisis, we begin to try to read into the things and read the tea leaves is what the gypsies use to do to tell fortunes and they will just swirl around the tea and look at what they saw in there and try to tell a fortune.
And sometimes, we see something our spouse does like our spouse not hold our hand or our spouse has a certain look on their face and we do something is like trying to ‘read the tea leaves’, trying to imagine what they mean about what they are doing and that’s always very dangerous. So don’t try to ‘read the tea leaves’. Let it be and don’t try to figure out what your spouse is thinking all the time.
Sometimes, we just have to face the fact that we have to take things at face value. Now let’s talk about some dos. If you want to save your marriage and if by yourself, here are some things you are going to want to do.
First, read about how to save a marriage. Can’t to go to therapy? Well, go to the experts. Go to talk to people who know and had done this before. Go and read their books. Go read my material. Go read other people’s material because if you are reading about me or you are listening to audios about how to save a marriage and you are applying it yourself, that’s the most you can do at this point.
You need to find a way of getting extra information. Albert Einstein says, ‘You can’t get out of a problem using the same thinking that get you into the problem.’ So you got to change your thinking. You got to add some new information into the thinking so that you can move forward and find some different ways of intervening.
Act on what you read though. Don’t just read. A lot of people will have books stack aside on their bed and they read and read but they don’t apply them. So you are going to apply that if you want to. Then take some time to relax and decompress because this is a stressful time and you need to take it easy and kind of let your body has some time to relax and find someone to share with but make sure you choose wisely.
It shouldn’t be a family member, it shouldn’t be a friend because if you save your marriage, your spouse is going to come back to that person and be able to show their face. So choose wisely who you are going to share with.
And if you want to learn more about saving your marriage, go now to Save The Marriage
5) Brink of Divorce? When Is a Marriage Too Far Gone? When Is a Marriage Too Late to Be Saved?
Today, we are going to answer ‘When is a marriage too far gone?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. Today that question from my perspective, it is very easy to answer and I will tell you why it is so easy for me to answer.
I have seen so many couples when they have come back from the very edge of disaster and they have a very successful marriage. But it is real easy for me to say when not to save the marriage when it is too far gone and one of them is when there is abuse.
I always put that as a disclaimer. I do not think people who are in an abusive relationship should save their marriage. And after that, when is a divorce final? This is kind of where I draw the line. It is over because divorce is done and people go their separate ways. Except for, I have seen many couples that came back together even after the divorce. But practically speaking, when the divorce is final and when there is nothing else that can be done, that’s when you call it quit.
Now really, what I am thinking is, in reality, when you both decide it is and both of you refuse to work on it. Understand I say both of you because one of you can continue to work on it. That doesn’t mean the marriage is over because one person said it is over because it does mean you have to be a little more careful and a little less reactive and find some different ways and try to intervene in your own marriage.
But a marriage can be saved. In fact, I will say the majority of marriages come towards me, find my ebook, find my material are really where one has given up completely. In fact, the subtitle of my book is ‘Even if only you want it’. Even if only one of you want to save the marriage. If both of you want to save the marriage, it is not an issue. If only one person want to save the marriage, that’s when you have to find and create ways of doing it.
If both of you give up, it is over. Unfortunately, ‘No Fault’ means practically speaking, one person can decide to end the relationship and I understand that. So at one point, one person can save the marriage and the other person refuse to do that, and you may need to move on and there will be a divorce and it is unfortunate because there is really no recourse to that.
And there are some of us who are still trying to get that changed. But that is basically where we are right now.
So the real question is this one. Are you ready to quit?
If you are ready to quit, and your spouse has already given up, then it’s over. If you are not ready to quit, remember what Churchill said. He said ‘Never never never give up.’
You can turn a marriage around even if your spouse says ‘I don’t want any part of this. I don’t want to work on this.’ There are things you can do.
And if you are interested in finding out what you can do, I will urge you to go now to Save The Marriage. Continue watching these videos. And maybe even sign up for the free ecourse there. Take advantage of some of the information that is out there to help you save your marriage even if you are the only one that wants to.
6) What If My Spouse and I Have Nothing In Common? Are My Spouse and I Compatible?
Is it possible to be too different to make it work? My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. Today, we are talking about this question because I hear it so often from people. Someone will say, ‘Well my spouse says we are just too different and we can’t do it to make it work.’
So we are going to answer that question today. You see, this question is based on a wrong premise. The premise is marriages work because a couple is very similar.
This is just false. In fact, it is rarely the things that are like that attracts you to someone. It is the things that make us different that attracts us, at least initially. The problem is, over the years, we find ourselves in a bit of pickle because it becomes an excuse. That excuse of we are too different. People tell this lie to give themselves an excuse to get out.
When someone says we are just too different, they are lying to themselves and they are lying to their spouse. However, they may be a kernel of truth behind this. You see, the truth is, the statement is really about being disconnected, or having lost the the friendship, the connection, the fun and enjoyment, the capacity to dream together that is generally what brings a couple together.
It is not about being the same but you have a friendship. You have a sense of connection, the fun and enjoyment, and the capacity to dream together. That’s what draw couples into love. Now the road back is very simple.
You connect. You have fun together. You dream together. You support each other in individual interests but finding something in common. What I mean by that is you set out to not be the same. That’s just not the way back.
If you say we are just too different, then the way back, the assumption behind that would be we have to be alike, not true. You have to connect. You have to find some ways to get back to having fun together, spending time together, setting some time outside so that you are together, dating nights those kind of things, going to hear music, going to bookstores together, getting coffee, all those little things that we kind of give up along the way when life gets in the way.
So you have to start finding a way of having a fun again together, of dreaming together. I often encourage couples to create a life list together to see what the other person wants to be doing instead of staying in a hum drum life of raising kids and going to work and take care of the house.
What do you want to do? What do you want to do before the end of life? What is it that you want to get out of the experience of life? That’s the way you dream together and last while supporting each other in individual interest.
It’s okay to be different but you got to support each other so you enjoy the differences and sometimes, it is helpful though to seek something that you have in common. If it is playing a sport together, or taking trips together or something that draws you back into a sense of we are a unit.
Just understand that the excuse of we are just too different is just that. It is just an excuse. Now if you want to learn more about saving your marriage, I want you to go now to Save The Marriage. You are going to be able to access my free email ecourse, lots of other resources there and also continue to watch this series of videos.
7) Should We Stay Together Just for the Kids? Should We Stay Together for the Sake of the Children?
Today we face a question, ‘Should we stay together just for the kids?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert and I tell you this is one of those tough questions that comes up over and over again and I will also say that today, I am giving you my opinion.
My opinion is this. No, you should not just stay together for the kid but it is a good start. Couples with children do, and this is my opinion, they do have an obligation to try and hold the family together.
They chose to start a family and that family has some obligations in it. This is one where responsibilities of marriage kicks in and couples with children do, in my opinion have an obligation to try to hold the family together.
That doesn’t mean that you are sentenced to a life of unhappiness. We often have the dichotomy of either we save the marriage or we stay together for the kids or we go our separate ways, which leaves out the third option.
Now children are not helped by a family at war. There is no doubt. I am not suggesting that you should stay in a marriage that is stuck on constant war. It is tough on the kids. It really is damaging to the kids.
That said, divorces do harm children. Every research shows, even the old research that has been looked at again, kids are harmed by divorce. It doesn’t mean they are destroyed by divorce but they are harmed. They have difficulties later in life in establishing relationship and finding other alternatives when there is conflict.
In fact, children of divorce often have a much higher divorce rate in their own marriages and report having a much lower satisfaction in relationship in general just because they have seen a case of a bad way of doing it.
Now let’s just say this. Let children be the glue of the relationship that holds the family together. And then from there, you continue to work to try to find a happy marriage. And that is the third option. And that is not just to either stay in the marriage and be unhappy or leave the marriage.
The other option is staying in the marriage and working till you have a relationship, a marriage that you will treasure, one that you would want to hold together regardless of what happens to the kids because let’s face it. One day, those kids are going to grow up and they are going to leave the house and then you have to face each other.
The time is now to start trying to figure out how to choose that third option. How do you put together a marriage that you will treasure for the rest of your life regardless of the kids.
That’ what I want to learn more about, by going to Save The Marriage. There is a free ecourse there, you also can continue to watch the videos, but there are lot of resources at Save The Marriage. Go find out how you can stay because of the kids and have a marriage that you will treasure for the rest of your life.
8) Why Do Affairs or Adultery Happen? Why People Cheat In Marriage?
Today we have a question ‘Why do affairs happen?’ Hi, my name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. It is a tough question we are tackling today so let’s talk first about the fact is an affair threatening your marriage.
In statistic, the latest research shows that 25% of marriages suffer infidelity, that would be a physical affair. One quarter of marriage suffers from a physical affair. The rate of an emotional affair is much higher.
Now the definition of an affair.
In my mind, it is a pretty essential part because you can get into an argument with somebody about what that constitutes.
And given what’s happen in culture, it has really muddied the waters on what we consider an affair.
First of all, for me, a physical affair is sexual activity with someone who is in a committed, monogamous relationship. In other words, if somebody who is in a monogamous relationship, a marriage acting out with somebody else outside of that marriage in a sexual way. What that includes, if it is physical, I am putting it as a physical affair.
However, there is that definition of emotional affair.
And this is an emotional sharing that is inappropriate between two people because of a monogamous relationship. In other words, I should be sharing it with my spouse but I am sharing it with somebody else and in particular somebody else of the opposite sex and so there are connections and deeper growing feelings that accompany that often include romantic feelings that may not be acted upon in a physical way but still continue to be a part of their fantasy life and basically overtake their emotional life.
Now you ask a question, ‘Why is this a problem?’ In fact, if you are watching this, you might not be asking that question but you need to think about why it is a problem for both men and women.
It is because it takes energy away from the appropriate relationship and put it towards an inappropriate relationship, siphoning off energy that should be in one relationship and put it into another one.
It threatens the sense of safety and security that should be a part of a monogamous relationship. A marriage is build on the fact that there is safety and security there because we chosen to be together and the very underpinning of this is it is torn apart by an affair.
And then finally, the secrecy eats away the trust that is necessary for monogamous relationship to thrive. That’s secrecy of the affair that really helps power and keep it going. Just eat away any trust because lie after lie has to be told in order to keep that secrecy going.
Unfortunately, we are surrounded by it.
And in cultures, songs, stories, movies, even the News seems to make infidelity a normal part of life and that is the problem. We forget that it is not normal, it is abnormal. It is not appropriate. Culture almost gives ‘a stamp of approval’ to cheating though.
And we have to be careful of that because the more we hear those messages, the easier it is for us to discount the impact of that, especially if we are the one who is the one acting out because whenever we are trying to act out, we are trying to justify our behavior and culture sometimes gives us that excuse.
Now, affairs are referred to as a ‘crime of opportunity’. Now, they don’t just happen. Somebody has to be in the right place in the right time or in the wrong place in the wrong time depending on how you look at it.
But they have to be in the right situation in order for that to happen. It just doesn’t happen. It needs the opportunity.
Now when people are asked why they acted out, why they have an affair, the top reason they give to justify it is sex. Understand though that it is not just sex though. It is about feeling wanted and desired.
And I say that because those tend to be a major complaint about what is missing in marriages. Feelings of being wanted. Feelings of being desired. And often, because of the busyness of life and raising kids and all those different issues, we lose touch with that piece of our relationship. And unfortunately, that ends up putting us at risk of acting out and at risk of affairs.
And so part of what you need to understand is what causes and affair and it is the lack of feeling wanted and desired. That doesn’t mean that the feeling is not there that someone doesn’t feel it for the other person but that person is not feeling it. They are not experiencing that feeling coming from the other person and that’s the problem.
That ends up being what often drives an affair. The fact that somebody is showing me attention, somebody is showing that they want me and desire me and I am not feeling it anywhere else so we end up being vulnerable when that’s missing from our marriage.
Now if you want to learn more about saving your marriage and you want take my free email course, and find other resources, go now to Save The Marriage. Continue watching this video series but please go now to Save The Marriage and find what could be done to save your marriage.
9) My Spouse Is Cheating On Me. What Should I Do If My Spouse Is Having An Affair?
Today we look at the question of ‘What should I do if my spouse is having an affair?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. If you are thinking of saving your marriage quickly, I got to let you know that there is no quick fix if your marriage has an affair that is going on right now.
However, your marriage can survive. In fact, the majority of marriages that have infidelity actually do survive. And it actually can improve the marriage believe it or not. In fact, this could be a wake up call for both of you.
If both of you realized the infidelity was possible because something was missing in your relationship, there is the possibility of making it much better. Now let’s talk a minute about affairs.
Affairs are often know as a ‘crime of opportunity’. In other words, rarely does the affair just happen. It is kind of like being in the wrong place at the wrong time or the right place at the right time depending on how you look at it.
It just doesn’t happen. It needs to have opportunity. Now there are some reasons that people use to justify their behavior and the top reason they give is sex. I understand that it is not just about sex though, it is about feeling wanted and desired.
Everybody wants to have that sense of feeling wanted and desired by somebody and often times, that is a major complaint about what is missing in marriages, that feeling suddenly disappear. You may have it at the beginning of the relationship but jobs, kids, life kind of take over and suddenly, we find ourselves out of that feeling of feeling wanted and desired and that often leaves us vulnerable to infidelity.
Which raise the question of ‘What do you do to stop an affair?’
First of all, realize that you cannot control another’s behavior, so don’t try. Don’t try to tell your spouse that they have to stop the affair. You have no control over it. However, you can request that your spouse stop that affair and honor their commitment to the relationship. There is a difference between trying to control the behavior and requesting them stop.
You just have to accept the fact that you can’t stop it if the other person chose to continue the affair. But you can make a request and have them honor their commitment.
The second one is to decide to face the truth about your marriage. What went wrong? Why would your marriage be vulnerable to a relationship outside of the marriage?
And if you are not willing to look at the truth of that, you can’t get beyond this. Sometimes we get wrap up in our anger about the affair and we don’t want to stop and look at the fact that something is going wrong. Once you start to take a look at your relationship, you are going to want to commit to stay together.
Commit to stay together, to re-energize the relationship and move forward. And I say commit because you may not feel like doing that right now until you make a commitment to do that. It is a choice you make in order to move forward.
Now you have to accept responsibility you have in where the relationship is, not what the spouse did, but where the relationship is. There is a difference between what happen in your relationship and the fact that your spouse committed infidelity. And I am not saying that you accept responsibility for what they did, but you accept responsibility that the relationship was at a place that is vulnerable for an affair to happen.
Then you seek forgiveness for the fact that you were part of that process that lead to that. It is not seeking forgiveness for the other person having the affair but seek forgiveness for where you have been in the relationship or where you miss the relationship and then seek to forgive the other person .
That is a tough piece I know but forgiveness let us move forward. And also be calm. Avoid becoming the angry, resentful spouse. Sometimes, we are so fueled by the anger and resentment that we actually make ourselves someone our spouse doesn’t even want to be with and it actually gives rationale. I am not saying it gives a reason but it gives a rationale for them to continue the affair.
So avoid becoming the angry resentful spouse and refuse to let the affair define you. I don’t know how many couples that I had come in to my office and they are the couple that had the infidelity, they stay with that identity so much that they are not capable of moving forward together in a way that will let them redefine the relationship.
And if you want to recover from an affair, there are somethings you are going to want to do. First, it requires you to understand why it happened. You have to get down to the why it happened not the reaction to the fact that it happened.
It requires forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of what has happened so that you can move forward, not so that the other person is forgiven so that they have the permission to do it again. Forgiveness is never about that. It is about you moving forward and not being defined, not being caught by what has happened.
Also, it requires correcting the shortcomings of the relationship. So you find what is weakening the relationship and you find a way of overcoming that to strengthen the relationship and making much better than before.
Requires commitment. A decision to work through no matter what. And a commitment to honor the relationship.
And finally, it requires boundaries to protect the relationship so this can’t happen again. Whatever risky situation or opportunity, you have to find a way of creating boundaries around the relationship so that that cannot happen.
Now this is not a quick fix again and this is just an outline. So if you want to know more about how to save your marriage, you want to know how to get beyond an affair, you want to go now to Save The Marriage. One of the things I offer there is an audio about affair and what to do with them.
10) What Is a Midlife Crisis? How Does Midlife Crisis Affect a Family or Marriage?
Today, we are here to think about what is the truth about a midlife crisis. My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. I hear this question so frequently. What is a mid life crisis?
So today we are going to talk about what it really is, not kind of what we pretended it is or assume that it is. Forget the stereotype! It isn’t about a new car, it isn’t about a new relationship, it isn’t about reliving adolescence, or it is not some quest that people are on. A mid life crisis is for real. But it is none of those things that are stereotype.
What those stereotype are dysfunctional way of trying to answer the real question of what is going on in mid life crisis. Because you see, a mid life crisis is about something much much more important than those surface things.
A midlife crisis is about the meaning. More specifically, it is about leading a more meaningful life. It is one with purpose and enjoyment.
You see, lots of time we get the midlife crisis and we suddenly realize that we got only half a life left. We already live this life and we are suddenly wondering what have I done, where have I gone, have I accomplished what I wanted to and most of us realized that we just stumbled through the doors that is open in front of us instead of picking a direction that will be meaningful to us and suddenly we find ourselves in a midlife crisis.
So why a midlife crisis becomes a marriage crisis is very simple to look at. Because everything is ‘up for grabs’ when someone is having a midlife crisis. Everything is ‘up for grabs’ and it is a very confusing time and a feeling because you are trying to figure out who you are going to be and what you want to be about.
Equilibrium seems to be impossible to find both for the person who is going through the crisis and for their spouse because everything is turn upside down.
Unfortunately, it is often the marriage that gets the focus because when somebody is going through all the pain of these transition, they are trying to find something that is the root cause and once they discarded the old car and once they discarded the job and once they have tried these other topics, what is next? The marriage! That’s what’s the constant.
So they started thinking maybe this is not where I wanted to be. Unfortunately, they are incorrect about that too. So if you want to learn more about how to save your marriage, even if it is in the midst of a midlife marriage crisis, there is an audio that is available. You will be hearing my audio about the dangers about the midlife crisis and how to deal with it.
Go now to Save The Marriage
11) Will a Midlife Crisis End My Marriage? Surviving Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis In Marriage.
You may be asking about, ‘Will a midlife crisis end my marriage?’ and I am here to talk to you about that. My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert.
Now understand that a midlife crisis can become a marriage crisis, if the crisis is not understood for what is is truly about. It is really about meaning in life and how to live the second half of your life in a more meaningful way than the first half of your life.
And it can also become a crisis if it creates tension within the marriage. In other words, there is a struggle going on and how to resolve it. It ends up creating that crisis.
And if the person having the crisis attempts to solve it in an unhealthy way, then it becomes a marriage crisis in addition to a midlife crisis and that is going to be very painful for both people.
Now this is a natural transition. It is a normal stage of development which is very interesting because it is strange that a normal stage often ends up as being such a threat especially when it is not handled in a healthy way.
Think about the stereotype of how people try to handle a midlife crisis, of having a new relationship, of having a new job, a new car, a new hobby, new quest, all of those things can be threat to a marriage.
But the reality is somebody trying to find how to have a meaningful life.
Now there are ways that you can help process through this crisis.
First of all, don’t take it personally. This is not about you. This is about the other person trying to figure out how to have meaning in their life.
Often times, we go through life and we just go through the open doors and we kind of really stumble through these doors and one day, we wake up and we know we are in the mid life. We got half a life left. We got some deadlines coming in and that is called death and we want to figure out how to have meaning in our life. And that’s what this crisis is really about.
It’s a healthy drive. Now examine your life. Do you need more meaning? Is it a time for you to also look for more meaning in your life? Maybe you are letting your spouse have the crisis when in reality, you both are having a crisis about meaning? And if that’s the case, you need to resolve that.
So make ‘creating a meaningful life’ a couple’s task even if it feels like it isn’t particularly your task right now. If you do that, it pulls you together and suddenly the crisis becomes a way of growing together.
And also be patient because a mid life crisis does clear up. As soon as somebody figures out that it is all about meaning, the crisis resolves itself. They find ways of having a meaningful life being more meaningful in the second half of their life.
Now if you want to learn more about saving your marriage, go now to Save The Marriage. I do want you to know that I do offer a video there on how to save your marriage in a midlife crisis.
12) What If My Spouse Doesn’t Love Me Anymore? Is My Spouse Lying to Me?
Today’s tough question is ‘What if my spouse doesn’t love me anymore?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. We want to look at this question today so that you understand exactly what is going on if you hear this.
Now understand that I hear this ‘lie’ more than any other. And I put ‘lie’ in quotation for a reason. It represents two things. First, it represent a misunderstanding of love. And second, it is a history of rewriting for justification.
Now we will confuse love and passion often in our culture. It is just kind of the way we think about these things. Love and passion are not the same thing. It is not that they are completely separated. It is just that they are not identical.
Here’s the truth.
Love is a verb, an action word. It is acting lovingly towards someone. It is not a feeling we have. I love somebody because I do loving things towards them. As a side effect of that, we have an emotion and a feeling.
But understand that passion is side effect. It can be a side effect of love or unfortunately, a side effect of infatuation. But it is always a side effect. It is not the real thing. It is not love.
And passion is really not even the goal. It is a nice extra. It is something that we all want to have in our marriage relationship. But it is really not the goal. It is just the side effect of when we act lovingly and consistently.
We also all tend to rewrite history. We justify choices by rewriting events in our mind. And we also put our own spin on events so that when someone says I don’t love you and I don’t know that I ever love you, it is not that they didn’t love you, it is just that they need to rewrite it to justify their behavior and justify what they think they want to do.
Don’t get wrap up in that. Don’t believe the lie. Now accept your spouse genuinely feels this way. I am not saying that they don’t feel that way. It is just that you don’t need to try to convince them otherwise because they think they feel that way. You just don’t have to fall for it. You don’t have to believe what they say makes it correct.
This allows you to have room to keep working on your marriage. If you are just going to town to say okay I agree with you and you didn’t love me, you have no where to go. You are stuck. But if you realized that it is a justification that they are using, whether it is an actual conscious decision or an unconscious decision, just recognize that it is a justification for behavior.
However, your spouse is telling you something important and you need to listen to this. The feelings that he or she wants to have are not there. And the question is, are they there for you? Is it also true that you are not having those feelings that you would like to have or have you thought well, things were okay and maybe we will be back to the part of the relationship down the road?
Maybe it is the fact that your spouse is alerting to you an important thing. Have you lost that special feeling that you would like to share with your spouse? Perhaps that is the truth of the statement.
Now this can be reversed. But you must understand it. This isn’t a death sentence to your marriage. You can regain that feeling. Your spouse can regain that feeling, but by working on that connection, not by trying to recreate the passion.
And it is also by making a choice to stay connected instead of ‘throwing the towel’. That is what I think is vital and important and a marriage to decide to live by commitment and I am committed to live together with you. That helps them to go through the time when the feelings is absence and it is absent in every marriage at some point. Every marriage has to work to keep that as a part of their process or it will go away. It is just all part of the process.
So if you want to learn more about saving your marriage, and what to do about the situation, I want you to go now to Save The Marriage
13) Sudden Marriage Problems? What Happened to My Marriage?
Over and over, I had people say to me, ‘I thought everything was okay. What happened?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. Sometimes, a marriage crisis seems to be something out of the blue to people and when that happens, it may seems like your entire life is destroyed.
Now in reality, a crisis does not occur overnight. These things take long time to develop but sometimes we miss the clues and sometimes we miss what is happening but it did not just happen out of the blue and it didn’t just happen overnight.
Instead, it builds over time and however, there are times when one or both people pretend that everything is okay and you may have kind of make a choice to say well everything is okay and it is as good as everything is going to be.
But finally, someone cannot take it. And when that happens, that’s when it feels like out of the blue.
Now trust me, I have heard all the stories. I heard people saying ‘Well, they said they love me yesterday and they left today.’ ‘We were just on vacation and we had a great time. We had great communication. What happened?’
I have heard people say ‘I knew we had problems but I thought we were okay right now. I just thought we would deal with them later.’ and suddenly, they were faced with this situation with their spouse saying ‘I am done’.
Now while this may seem unfair when you thought everything was okay, it is often one person, your spouse trying to spare you the feelings they have had inside for a very long time. So they keep trying to hold that together so that they don’t hurt your feelings and finally, they just can’t take it anymore and so when it seems like everything is going okay, finally the truth comes out.
They are no longer playing and that’s a great place to be. It is better than faking it. At least it is on the table. Maybe both of you were busy with everyday life and finally one said, ‘I can’t take it anymore!’
For whatever the reason, at least we are on to honesty now.
But the reality is, the crisis has been in the making for some time. Both of you have been looking at what is the choice. Which direction should we go. One of you maybe is acting on that now. And the question is how to move forward.
What do you do when that’s the feeling. You want to shift your focus. Get away from what can’t be done, move to what can be done, not what has happened.
Get away from that whole question, ‘Why did this happen? Why am I getting hit out of the blue?’ Move to ‘What do I do now?’ Don’t get caught up in the feelings of confusion. That keeps you asking useless question.
Instead, learn about how to save your marriage and you can do that by going now to Save The Marriage
14) Can You Fall In Love Again With Your Husband or Wife? Will Your Spouse Fall In Love With You Again?
Today we are looking at the question ‘Can we fall in love again?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert. And I am using the series to answer lots of question that I hear from listeners and readers all the time and this is today’s topic, ‘Can you fall in love again?’
First of all, let’s define love. Now I am going to pull back from some philosophy but don’t worry. It’s very simple and we want to look at what are the definitions of love. And I am going to pull from the Greeks idea because the Greeks has about 5 different definitions of love or different kinds of love.
Today I am going to pull out just three of those. The first one is Philia love, which is love between friends, family, etc. It’s about loyalty and it’s about the strong sense of connection we have with somebody that is in our family or how we want to be loyal to them and take care of them. It can also be known as brotherly love and siblings kinds of love. But it goes beyond that. It about loyalty and family loyalty.
Eros is erotic love. It is passion. It is that connection where we feel like we are in love with someone and has some level of passion for that person.
And then there is Agape love which is just unconditional love. It is acceptance of that person no matter who they are and what they do.
Now, marriage contains elements of these three pieces of love, these three types of love and that is why I pull them out, more so than the other two types of love.
Now, when we say love is missing, generally, we are talking about the feeling of passion, of eros that we just feel kind of flat with the other person and I say that because most still reported that they care for the other person. I hear that over and over, the person says ‘I am not in love with you but I do care for you.’ ‘I do care about you.’ That’s philia love. And so that is often present.
And understand that Agape, people wonder about that unconditional love. In my mind, Agape, unconditional love is an ideal that we strive for. It is not one that we get very often because let’s face it, there are conditions on what would lead us to stop loving someone.
You know they killed somebody or you found out that they were an abuser or you know, serial killer, or even if they had an affair on you, those may be places where you say I will no longer love this person.
So we have all conditions on love. Unconditional love is something that we strive for.
So the question is, ‘Can Eros return? Can passion return?’ Unequivocably yes.
It absolutely can return. I say can return. That is different from will return. It is possible for it to return.
Passion is the side effect of caring and doing loving actions when we show care for somebody else. When we show care for somebody else and when we actually do loving things, particularly romantically loving things, that’s when that sense of passion comes about.
Now think about it when you started dating. Usually we started not with those feelings or passion. And that grows because of you hold hand and it is kind of nice and the other person reciprocate and then you hug and then we kiss, exchange presents and more and more the more we do this loving things, the more we feel passion and love for the other person especially when they are reciprocated.
Reality TV has proven how easy it is to find passion. You watched some episodes with bachelors, that the same person can have passionate feelings for five six people at one time. So in the right situation, given the right action, passion can be created.
Now I have to say there is a huge caveat here. A huge disclaimer here. Because in order for this to happen, both people need to be willing to let it happen.
Let it happen means they don’t get in the way of it because sometimes, someone feels too hurt to even try again. I heard someone says, you know, I think I could love you again. In other words, I could feel passionate for you again. But my heart, I want to guard it. I don’t want to be hurt again. And she wasn’t even willing to let those feelings come through. So the other person has to be willing to let that happen.
And sometimes, people just refuse for other reasons. They may be thinking of separating, may have an interest somewhere else or they may have decide to close that book on that chapter of their life. Lots of reasons.
While it can happen, that doesn’t mean it will happen.
Now if you need guide and want to know more about how to save your marriage, particularly how these feelings fit in to that, and some of why I think it goes away, I want you to go now to Save The Marriage. When you are there, you are going to see that you can get a free ecourse . I hope you will sign up for it. It comes by email. You can look at it yourself. There is no obligation to it. But you can also find lots of other information. And I have ebooks, and I have several recordings and special reports that you can gain access to if you just go to Save The Marriage.
15) What If My Spouse Wants a Divorce But I Don’t? How to Stop a Divorce From Happening?
Today, we look at this question. ‘My spouse wants a divorce, what should I do?’ My name is Lee Baucom and I am the Internet’s Leading Marriage Expert helping you to understand what’s going on in your marriage and what to do to start to fix that marriage.
First of all, let me ask you another question. Why do your spouse want a divorce? You need to understand this. What is the reason that they are saying they want a divorce because unless you understand that, you are not going to understand how to respond to the situation.
Is it an affair? Perhaps they have some other interest and when I say an affair, I don’t just mean a physical affair, I also mean emotional because whenever there is an affair, it is pulling energy away from the marriage and towards another relationship.
And that’s often when someone said they want a divorce or you may be the person who is involve somewhere else and your spouse is saying I have had enough I want a divorce.
Maybe they are saying they are no longer in love. What they mean by that is they are no longer feeling passion. And we talked about this in another video but they may no longer feel the passion and so they say they are no longer in love but what they really mean is they just don’t have that feeling anymore.
Maybe they are saying we fight too much and we are just tired of fighting. Or perhaps they have other reasons and you can see now as we talk about how important these reasons are a lot of that changes what you do because if it is an affair, it is a matter of dealing with why that affair happens and if it is about no longer in love, how do you get back to and feel like you can get beyond that and back to those feelings.
And we fight too much is some ways of finding a way to do that conflict better. So what is your reason? What is the reason your spouse tell you they want to get a divorce?
This is why I ask. The reason does make a big difference. If it is ‘someone else’, that requires a far far different approach from ‘we fight too much’. But again, I want to say this. Don’t assume you know why they want a divorce. You want to ask them. You need to know what they say, their words, how they explain it.
This is what I don’t want you to do. Do not beg, do not plead, do not threaten, do not coerce, do not manipulate, do not throw a tantrum.
All of these things will only get you into trouble and push your spouse further away.
There are somethings you do want to do. One, do clearly state your disagreement with divorcing. Say that this is not what you want. Clearly state that you care about the relationship and that you care about both of you being happy.
There is a two part to this. It is not that you care too much about the relationship that you don’t care if either one or the two of you is happy, this is about both caring about the relationship and both finding happiness.
Clearly state that you do not want the marriage that you had but a marriage you both would treasure.
Rarely has someone who said gosh it was so happy I don’t know what happen. I had people who said we were once so happy and I wish we were so happy but usually, when someone wants a divorce, both people know there is something going on.
So I thought it is often fair to say I don’t want to go back to where we have been, I just don’t want to get a divorce. I want something new, something different.
I want to tell you what the biggest game ender to saving a marriage breakup is. If you do this, I promise you it brings everything to a screeching halt. It is your reaction. A strong negative reaction often proves our spouse’s point, reinforcing their decision. Understand that.
If somebody is saying we fight too much and you throw a tantrum, all they do is walk away and then say, see? Or say they are having an affair and they justify by saying that they are not happy with you with being in that relationship and you throw a huge typical tantrum and they feel like they are being rejected again, you are proving their point.
The problem is when we have a strong reaction, a strong negative reaction, we almost always validate the reason that the person is saying they had enough of the marriage. I am not saying that they are accurate. I am saying that you are giving them proof of validation. You are reinforcing the way they are seeing the situation right then and that’s not what you want to do. You want to play against that.
Regardless of your feelings, remain calm. Work to be constructive. It’s not useful to tear down the other person for whatever they have done or try to insult them. Be constructive, work on building something.
Look for solutions. Don’t just get stuck into the old world where there is so much trouble. Look for what can happen. Can we go to therapy? Can we read a book? Can we go to a retreat? Can we talk? Can we somehow reconnect? Starts to be patient.
Understand that one of the biggest things that is against us is impatience. Marriage crisis does not happen overnight. They are not fixed overnight. You have to be patient and understand there are going to be lots of start and stop to the process and you have to stay patient in order to get the result you want.
And finally, stay positive. Just like I said that strong negative reaction, if you become negative yourself, you become bitter and upset yourself. You are only reinforcing what the other person is saying and being negative in you and you don’t want to do that.
Now if you want to learn more about saving your marriage, I want you to go now to Save The Marriage. There is a free ecourse there and lots of other resources and ebooks and recordings that you can take advantage of.